Random quotes
A wise friend once said...
Understanding the context only makes for more effective sarcasm.
I agree. But sometimes, things are funnier when you have no idea what the context is/was. This is a collection of random quotes I've heard either through conversation with friends and colleagues, as part of a TV show or movie, or perhaps read on the internet. It started out as one-liners, but has evolved into brief conversations, or more accurately, tangents that spiral out of control.
Be careful what you say around me. I may write it down, and I'll probably post it here. I have been referred to as both The Archivist and The Linguistic Historian. Not bad in terms of labels.
Total Quotes:
930
(most recent first)
Reports of my impossibly hard catches are greatly exaggerated.
- Roger
[S] Here you go. All finished.
[V] Did you bless it? Say a prayer?
[T] ...do the Humpty Hump?
[V] Did you bless it? Say a prayer?
[T] ...do the Humpty Hump?
- Schteff, Victoria & Tiffani
[B] Where did you find this photo?
[S] Hotsexywallpapers.com
[B] Really?
[S] Apparently.
[S] Hotsexywallpapers.com
[B] Really?
[S] Apparently.
- Brandon & Schteff
Ahh, life. She's a fickle whore.
- Random Facebook comment
[S] You just called me negative and apathetic. That's not very mentor-y.
[B] But you know I love you!
[B] But you know I love you!
- Schteff & Brandon
[T] So, for those of you who don't know. Tomorrow I will quit smoking - so um, if you see some reports coming out of Reston, VA for a person who is running around slapping the shit out of people for being annoying or rude- well, you know why.
[S] What will you be wearing so we can identify you on the news?
[S] What will you be wearing so we can identify you on the news?
- TJ & Steph A.
[S] I'm not giving you my student design work for free just so you can give it to your buddy. It'll be half-assed.
[B] Yeah, but your half-assed is better than most people's full-assed.
[B] Yeah, but your half-assed is better than most people's full-assed.
- Schteff & Brandon
The use of a prefix and/or suffix is NOT A RIGHT.
- J.R.
Got a new hoodie today. It's really nice. Anybody who doesn't like a nice new hoodie is... a poopie-head.
- J.R.
Happy "Be a giant a$$hole with faux impunity" day AKA April Fools Day.
- J.R.
He is such a c@ck nozzle.
- Mike Y.
You, as always, are the proverbial fecal matter.
- J.R.
Come celebrate hypocrisy with us.
- Schteff
[S] Did anyone else get a kick out of (someone) pointing out a typo to me this morning? I sure as hell did.
[JR] Respond in all caps.
[J] and in Comic Sans
[JR] Respond in all caps.
[J] and in Comic Sans
- Schteff, J.R., and Jamie
I'm hot for gradients.
- Steve
[B] I know how you like things very structured and organized, but...
[S] That's not going to happen, is it?
[B] No.
[S] That's not going to happen, is it?
[B] No.
- Brandon & Schteff
We punish ourselves for not having homework. We are sick.
- Jenn
[B] Do you want some of my nuts? They're really filling. A little salty, though...
[S] No, thank you.
[S] No, thank you.
- Brandon & Schteff
[S] Did you hit puberty just now?
[M] (sings a few notes) ... And now, they drop.
[M] (sings a few notes) ... And now, they drop.
- Sam & Mark W.
I use my paycheck to wipe my tears.
- Mark W.
B#tch, my intricate arpeggiaic polyrhythmic melodies do NOT sound like a f###ing telephone.
- Steve
[B] Man, my bum hurts today.
[S] Do I even want to know why?
[S] Do I even want to know why?
- Brandon & Schteff
[S] (yelling at coffee pot) Oh, COME ON! Is that all you're gonna give me?
[B] Apparently you need coffee.
[B] Apparently you need coffee.
- Schteff & Brandon S.
Thank you, high-pitched, agreeable person.
- Mark W.
[S] That's some fancy clipart you got there.
[D] That's the extent of my creativity... searching Google Images.
[D] That's the extent of my creativity... searching Google Images.
- Schteff & Diane
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